"A life can ever truly be mislived... If we die with deep regrets." This is your brilliant bottom line for me. I adore your digging for the root of the word "success" & it's perversion into a discrimination aligned with "self-worth." Success becoming an "it" to have or have not which defines one's Identity as valuable, or not. Such a messed up misconception - illegitimately conceived. I truly appreciate your work. It profoundly impacts my thoughts & feelings. I've been hungering after an illegitimate object & found myself on a hamster wheel. After the recent deaths of both my parents & a number of friends my age, deep regrets echo in my spirit. Now that doesn't mean I am misliving my life presently, gratefully. This wonderful writing affirms my present trajectory. This is a tribute to people like you & art... In whatever form it takes: writing, sculpting, dancing, etc. Art is able to awaken life, not success. Therefore, life is truly meant to be lived through the lens of love. Without love, regrets breed. As a result, perhaps life is truly lived without meaning. Life isn't a void, it becomes a vessel filled with meaninglessness - regrets that can haunt & destroy the rest of one's life. That's a scary thought.
‘Life is truly meant to be lived through the lens of love. Without love, regrets breed.’
This is it. The absolute heart of life, as far as I can tell.
What a fantastic comment, Lynn, thanks for taking the time to share it with all of us. And I’m sorry for your loss. If I’ve helped in some small way with anything I’ve written here then I’ve done my job, I would say.
There's fear and shame and guilt but they're overshadowed by regret.
I spent months in one of those places, a rehab/retirement place, hoping to restore my father (it didn't take but we did get him home and I helped care for him in his final unfair hard year). I remember the misery of others who weren't coming back home. I felt awful for some sweet human beings, who were no different than you, me, or anyone who reads your words, in and outside the STSC, who were spending their days there.
I felt shame for every moment of self-deception about what used to "matter" which I allowed myself before that time, and was grateful to leave it behind. If anyone wondered how or why I do what I do now, I would ask them, if you had the opportunity to have the b.s. stripped away over a few months, would you be any different? Wouldn't you chase after eliminating and avoiding regret too?
Love this essay. Pursuing conventional success paths led me to become miserable enough that I would often walk through my apartment door and burst into tears. I had to make changes and learn to balance between the conventional and unconventional, build a ladder I could live with, in essence.
That’s the thing about the ladder. It is presented as something you must climb. Some decide not to or they can’t. Fewer question the whole point of the ladder climbing business. And even fewer still build their own ladder and prop in against a wall that they have chosen to get them to a height that they wish to see.
“ A life can only ever be truly mislived and can ever truly be a failure, if we die with deep regrets, if you die thinking that you totally blew it. ”
Too bad so many people go through life chasing after what won’t matter in the end. Money and accomplishments are important but not the end all in life.
I found this really interesting. In my field, there are 'gurus' who are always on the move, earning thousands in speaking fees, and I look at them and think: they never see their loved ones, they're always in a different hotel room (which all look the same no matter where in the world you happen to be), and they're probably knackered all the time. It's a strange definition of success.
I remember on Dragons Den once, Peter Jones visited the founder of Pimlico Plumbers, who has his own swimming pool etc. Jones was trying to get him to scale up his business so that there would be lots of Pimlico Plumbers all over the place, and the reply was something along the lines of "Why? I've got enough; there's only one of me!". Peter Jones was completely flummoxed!
Also, what you said about end of life. I recall once offering to stay behind at work until whatever time they threw me out in order to get something finished, and my line manager said to me "Terry, nobody on their deathbed ever said they wished they'd spent more time in the office. Go home!" So true!
> they never see their loved ones, they're always in a different hotel room (which all look the same no matter where in the world you happen to be), and they're probably knackered all the time.
Weird speculation: is it possible that for some it is their "guru lifestyle" that is their real self, and that the "family" is just "for show"? Sorry for the cynicism but if political dynasties can exist for this reason, maybe same goes for gurus. For reference: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ig_qpNfXHIU
Thanks, I don't doubt it. You know what GB Shaw said: given the choice between an amiable view of things and a cynical one, the latter is more likely to be correct! I've bookmarked the video -- thanks!
Regarding amiable vs cynic, it is true the latter will be correct, but wouldn't that be more a Machiavellian reading than a pessimistic one? I think Hanson's Razor (never attribute to stupidity that which is adequately explained by survivalist pragmatism) and Venkatesh Rao's set of theories (rephrased through Erik Dietrich's more neutral terms) on how opportunists abusing idealists to control the common man fits within this paradigm. MLM charismatic ring leaders vs tinted lens "top salesperson" fits this dynamic as well. https://archive.ph/UZ1zChttps://archive.ph/7vXHWhttps://archive.ph/ks6If
Yes, George Bernard Shaw. I dunno: I prefer pessimistic in this context, but there may be something in what you say. I'm afraid I don't know enough about The survivalist perspective to be able to comment really.
I would phrase it like this regarding first-hand pragmatism as survivalism: is cool and illustrious when tied, is hot and seductive when crafting; "art" is joke content, but temporality and timelessness is beauty; if one cannot fight for tomorrow, they shall become yesterday; prestige and money is useful but vapid, love and power will always be there for you.
Or to be more simple: anything that keeps you alive is good, that goes for food, shelter, stable communities, and romance. Anything that cannot sustain a man or end a man's live is a joke, including blackmailing and insults.
Maybe I still need to learn how to write more clearly. Apologies for the flowery language.
Writing keeps me alive in a psychological and spiritual sense, which makes me think that what is necessary for sustaining life is as much subjective as objective
That’s a wise line manager indeed. And as to the Pimlico Plumber founders line, I remember hearing a variation of it where a similarly successful businessman was encouraged to aggressively scale up by a contemporary, to which the businessman said ‘I can only drive one Rolls Royce at a time.’
To play the devils advocate: Maybe very competitive people, like some business men, only feel truly alive when they're competing and growing their business. For us, it's easy to say "c'mon you have enough!' but for them, temperance might actually feel like they're not really living. They need to live with a certain intensity to be really happy.
This puts regret into a new perspective where there is no clear right or wrong. If they choose business they might have to sacrifice relationships. If they choose relationship they have to sacrifice what they're passionate about.
Three simple rule can be derived for the hypothetical priced fighter: (a) learn to win before learning to fight (b) don't fight for the sake of winning (c) don't hurt yourself more than necessary.
I agree Danny and one thing about aging is you inevitably end up making huge decision which represent a fork in the road, to which you can obviously never take the other route. So you will of course wonder what life would be like had you chosen x instead of y (deciding to have children, who you end up marrying etc are examples of these forks ‘in the road’). If this is ‘regret’ then we will all inevitably have it.
And yes, for many competition and the thrill of the chase makes them feel alive and makes life worth living. But not everyone.
It’s all a question of self knowledge which all of these pieces aim to nudge the reader towards. If the reader completely disagrees with me but in doing so realises something about their own motivation or character or temperament as a result then I have done my job and the whole thing has been worthwhile for both myself and them.
My deceased mother used to say, " I never saw a U-Haul behind a hearse!" Having been on too many hospice cases and floors TJB, your confidant is correct: When one's time comes, the relationships make or break your outlook.
By the way, I am going to borrow that line about "you only take the flak when you are over the target"....I have not heard that one in the US. It is now on a crowded windowsill near my desk on a neon yellow 3x5 index card. Thick stock. Won't fade in the sun and over time...kind of like the STSC musings. Thanks as always, WW
Love this -- "in the end it all comes down to who we have helped along the way and the relationships we have built rather than the trophies we have gained."
I have a trophy in my office that looks like this. It’s my Bin Trophy. Aptly named: it was awarded to me after somebody took it out of a bin and gave it me.
"A life can ever truly be mislived... If we die with deep regrets." This is your brilliant bottom line for me. I adore your digging for the root of the word "success" & it's perversion into a discrimination aligned with "self-worth." Success becoming an "it" to have or have not which defines one's Identity as valuable, or not. Such a messed up misconception - illegitimately conceived. I truly appreciate your work. It profoundly impacts my thoughts & feelings. I've been hungering after an illegitimate object & found myself on a hamster wheel. After the recent deaths of both my parents & a number of friends my age, deep regrets echo in my spirit. Now that doesn't mean I am misliving my life presently, gratefully. This wonderful writing affirms my present trajectory. This is a tribute to people like you & art... In whatever form it takes: writing, sculpting, dancing, etc. Art is able to awaken life, not success. Therefore, life is truly meant to be lived through the lens of love. Without love, regrets breed. As a result, perhaps life is truly lived without meaning. Life isn't a void, it becomes a vessel filled with meaninglessness - regrets that can haunt & destroy the rest of one's life. That's a scary thought.
‘Life is truly meant to be lived through the lens of love. Without love, regrets breed.’
This is it. The absolute heart of life, as far as I can tell.
What a fantastic comment, Lynn, thanks for taking the time to share it with all of us. And I’m sorry for your loss. If I’ve helped in some small way with anything I’ve written here then I’ve done my job, I would say.
Tom, truer words were never written.
There's fear and shame and guilt but they're overshadowed by regret.
I spent months in one of those places, a rehab/retirement place, hoping to restore my father (it didn't take but we did get him home and I helped care for him in his final unfair hard year). I remember the misery of others who weren't coming back home. I felt awful for some sweet human beings, who were no different than you, me, or anyone who reads your words, in and outside the STSC, who were spending their days there.
I felt shame for every moment of self-deception about what used to "matter" which I allowed myself before that time, and was grateful to leave it behind. If anyone wondered how or why I do what I do now, I would ask them, if you had the opportunity to have the b.s. stripped away over a few months, would you be any different? Wouldn't you chase after eliminating and avoiding regret too?
Again, great words.
This was very powerful, thanks you for sharing it Edward.
Love this essay. Pursuing conventional success paths led me to become miserable enough that I would often walk through my apartment door and burst into tears. I had to make changes and learn to balance between the conventional and unconventional, build a ladder I could live with, in essence.
That’s the thing about the ladder. It is presented as something you must climb. Some decide not to or they can’t. Fewer question the whole point of the ladder climbing business. And even fewer still build their own ladder and prop in against a wall that they have chosen to get them to a height that they wish to see.
Great comment, Stephanie.
beautifully written
Thanks, that’s very kind of you to say, mate.
“ A life can only ever be truly mislived and can ever truly be a failure, if we die with deep regrets, if you die thinking that you totally blew it. ”
Too bad so many people go through life chasing after what won’t matter in the end. Money and accomplishments are important but not the end all in life.
Yes and sadly people can end up only realising this when it is too late, which is why I felt duty-bound to pen this brief reminder.
I found this really interesting. In my field, there are 'gurus' who are always on the move, earning thousands in speaking fees, and I look at them and think: they never see their loved ones, they're always in a different hotel room (which all look the same no matter where in the world you happen to be), and they're probably knackered all the time. It's a strange definition of success.
I remember on Dragons Den once, Peter Jones visited the founder of Pimlico Plumbers, who has his own swimming pool etc. Jones was trying to get him to scale up his business so that there would be lots of Pimlico Plumbers all over the place, and the reply was something along the lines of "Why? I've got enough; there's only one of me!". Peter Jones was completely flummoxed!
Also, what you said about end of life. I recall once offering to stay behind at work until whatever time they threw me out in order to get something finished, and my line manager said to me "Terry, nobody on their deathbed ever said they wished they'd spent more time in the office. Go home!" So true!
> they never see their loved ones, they're always in a different hotel room (which all look the same no matter where in the world you happen to be), and they're probably knackered all the time.
Weird speculation: is it possible that for some it is their "guru lifestyle" that is their real self, and that the "family" is just "for show"? Sorry for the cynicism but if political dynasties can exist for this reason, maybe same goes for gurus. For reference: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ig_qpNfXHIU
Thanks, I don't doubt it. You know what GB Shaw said: given the choice between an amiable view of things and a cynical one, the latter is more likely to be correct! I've bookmarked the video -- thanks!
Sorry for asking (Asian in STEM field), but who is GB Shaw? This guy? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_Bernard_Shaw
Regarding amiable vs cynic, it is true the latter will be correct, but wouldn't that be more a Machiavellian reading than a pessimistic one? I think Hanson's Razor (never attribute to stupidity that which is adequately explained by survivalist pragmatism) and Venkatesh Rao's set of theories (rephrased through Erik Dietrich's more neutral terms) on how opportunists abusing idealists to control the common man fits within this paradigm. MLM charismatic ring leaders vs tinted lens "top salesperson" fits this dynamic as well. https://archive.ph/UZ1zC https://archive.ph/7vXHW https://archive.ph/ks6If
Yes, George Bernard Shaw. I dunno: I prefer pessimistic in this context, but there may be something in what you say. I'm afraid I don't know enough about The survivalist perspective to be able to comment really.
I would phrase it like this regarding first-hand pragmatism as survivalism: is cool and illustrious when tied, is hot and seductive when crafting; "art" is joke content, but temporality and timelessness is beauty; if one cannot fight for tomorrow, they shall become yesterday; prestige and money is useful but vapid, love and power will always be there for you.
Or to be more simple: anything that keeps you alive is good, that goes for food, shelter, stable communities, and romance. Anything that cannot sustain a man or end a man's live is a joke, including blackmailing and insults.
Maybe I still need to learn how to write more clearly. Apologies for the flowery language.
Writing keeps me alive in a psychological and spiritual sense, which makes me think that what is necessary for sustaining life is as much subjective as objective
That’s a wise line manager indeed. And as to the Pimlico Plumber founders line, I remember hearing a variation of it where a similarly successful businessman was encouraged to aggressively scale up by a contemporary, to which the businessman said ‘I can only drive one Rolls Royce at a time.’
There’s a wisdom in knowing what is enough.
To play the devils advocate: Maybe very competitive people, like some business men, only feel truly alive when they're competing and growing their business. For us, it's easy to say "c'mon you have enough!' but for them, temperance might actually feel like they're not really living. They need to live with a certain intensity to be really happy.
This puts regret into a new perspective where there is no clear right or wrong. If they choose business they might have to sacrifice relationships. If they choose relationship they have to sacrifice what they're passionate about.
Three simple rule can be derived for the hypothetical priced fighter: (a) learn to win before learning to fight (b) don't fight for the sake of winning (c) don't hurt yourself more than necessary.
I agree Danny and one thing about aging is you inevitably end up making huge decision which represent a fork in the road, to which you can obviously never take the other route. So you will of course wonder what life would be like had you chosen x instead of y (deciding to have children, who you end up marrying etc are examples of these forks ‘in the road’). If this is ‘regret’ then we will all inevitably have it.
And yes, for many competition and the thrill of the chase makes them feel alive and makes life worth living. But not everyone.
It’s all a question of self knowledge which all of these pieces aim to nudge the reader towards. If the reader completely disagrees with me but in doing so realises something about their own motivation or character or temperament as a result then I have done my job and the whole thing has been worthwhile for both myself and them.
Exactly!
My deceased mother used to say, " I never saw a U-Haul behind a hearse!" Having been on too many hospice cases and floors TJB, your confidant is correct: When one's time comes, the relationships make or break your outlook.
By the way, I am going to borrow that line about "you only take the flak when you are over the target"....I have not heard that one in the US. It is now on a crowded windowsill near my desk on a neon yellow 3x5 index card. Thick stock. Won't fade in the sun and over time...kind of like the STSC musings. Thanks as always, WW
Happy to be of service, Worth. Excellent comment as always.
Love this -- "in the end it all comes down to who we have helped along the way and the relationships we have built rather than the trophies we have gained."
Thanks Matthew. I tried to find a really unimpressive looking plastic trophy for the image to really drive the point home!
I have a trophy in my office that looks like this. It’s my Bin Trophy. Aptly named: it was awarded to me after somebody took it out of a bin and gave it me.
What was it given to you for? What category? Was there a ceremony? Did you give an acceptance speech?
1. It was given to me because it was taken out of a bin.
2. The category is 'bin'.
3. There was no formal ceremony, but the air felt vaguely ceremonial.
4. I thanked everyone who knows me. The room appluaded.
Sounds like a real Halle Berry at the Razzies kind of scene.