The level of self-knowledge, awareness and probably most importantly honesty required to write a post like this is huge.
“The self-talk is all of a piece: ‘this is just the way things are’ ‘it probably wouldn’t work anyway’, ‘you have to be realistic’”
I myself came from an upper-middle class background, with two encouraging parents, and yet still internalised all of the above early on, through school, bad teachers, and any other number of things.
I genuinely only feel I’ve overcome it in the last year or two - but it’s still there, only I know how to deal with it now.
I liken it to running - when I ran a marathon recently, before I was fully prepared, the last 13k was hell on Earth. A raging argument between myself and the voice in my head telling me to just pack it in, “no one will care”, “there’s still so far to go” etc.
Somewhat like a mild form of psychosis for an hour or so. You get real familiar with that voice.
But I held onto the feeling - because every time I do something challenging/physically exhausting, I can’t help but think back to that last 13k, and realise that ‘voice’ doesn’t mean a shagging thing.
“This fear of aiming for something because failing at it could be embarrassing is the cement that holds the bricks together.”
Brilliant. Your ability to turn a phrase never ceases to make me smile.
“One child is schooled in excellence. The other is not. One child has social capital while the other does not. One child knows that she can be whatever she wants to be providing she has the requisite talent and willingness to work.”
Something the affluent “Abundance mentality bro” chaps will never understand. Confidence is all they know, and they subsequently attribute the result of a good environment to natural talent.
“Beauty is a tool, which is why I talk about aesthetics so much. Literature is a tool, which is why I talk about the importance of reading great novels rather than just low bandwidth non-fiction so much. (Self improvement books at best show you a person standing in the rubble of a destroyed wall, great fiction shows you truthful and resonant depictions of a character struggling to break down the wall, and not always successfully).”
Interesting link back to the Wall in the Head - I hadn’t connected the two before, but it does make perfect sense. Will be thinking on this a lot more I’m sure.
Excellent post Tom, from the heart this one I’m sure.
Thanks for the kind words, Conor. I was hoping that this wouldn’t just resonate with people who have very similar backgrounds to my own so it was nice to have this affirmed.
I think if you go deep on the particular it can have universal application, because it gets at something in the human condition, but that the other way around doesn’t work. Again, another reason why fiction (which deals in the former) is superior to non-fiction (which of cause is all supposed ‘universals truths’).
This is beautiful! And it's definitely gonna be one of my favourites of yours.
I love how you used the Berlin Wall as a symbol here. It is very symbolic for the 20th century in general but it was a pure pleasure seeing it in the new context. Also for some reason, I thought about Pink Floyd when I read the title for the first time :D
I see many parallels with my own life and with other things in art, storytelling, philosophy, etc. The beauty of this essay is it can be read in multiple ways and every reader can draw their own meanings because everyone has their own walls. Retrospectively, I can see many walls existed in my head but it's hard to identify what still exists or what's new. Some of them I'm aware of and, as you said, once you understand them they become a mere obstacle. I believe it's very true.
I lived in the village most of my life, obviously not knowing about the opportunities I can have. So I agree that literature, art in general (and the internet, for discovery) might help (and definitely helped me) to break, dig under or jump over the walls. If you're curious enough, you can peek and see what's behind the wall. So I believe the main things that can help to come over that obstacle is open-mindedness, curiosity, tolerance to confirmation bias. If the one doesn't have those qualities, breaking the wall would be hard.
The important part of the essay, which I think I didn't pay enough attention to at the first reading is " Walls keep things out as well as in.". What if the wall protects you from monsters? I bet everyone has walls like this, sometimes self-built, often built externally. Maybe we also build walls like when we try to unlearn something.
Another thing is escapism. Do you think the wall in the head has anything to do with it? I don't mean "bad" escapism here (if there is anything like that at all). I mean the urge to get out of the chamber in a positive way. For example, If you are surrounded by the misery that you desire to escape, one of the ways to get out of it can be art, as you mentioned. And your essay 'Beauty In A World Of Brutalism' might be related to it.
Also, I think the walls can lead to cynicism in life. If you're locked in your chamber with labels attached to you, labels you cannot change freely, you become cynical towards new things, maybe even nihilistic, up to at what point when pessimism becomes desolation. You don't believe in new ideas, you don't believe in yourself, you don't believe that others can reach that and you project all of it on your own life and the life of others. Instead of the excitement of the bright future ahead, you end up being a grumpy guy who thinks nothing is possible and endurance is the only way (very Russian mindset by the way). I read in some of Julian Barnes's novels, that young people shouldn't be ironic and cynical about life. It poisons them. It prevents growth and suppresses imagination and curiosity. One should start life in a cheerful state of mind and be optimistic about it. First, you should see enough of it, then you can develop a natural sense of irony with a splash of cynicism towards the world.
The very first essay I was going to publish was called 'Weighing Anchor'. I wanted to write about how I "broke through the wall" with writing. I couldn't finish the draft because I couldn't see the problem clearly. But this essay and the wall metaphor made it all clear for me. As with many of your essays, this one help to break another wall, so maybe I will finish it one day.
And I shall say I enjoy writing comments to your essays as much as reading them. I'm glad it has become my weekly practice.
Thanks for this John. I enjoy reading the comments immensely, as people seem to open up and be sincere in them, for whatever reason. Maybe the subject matter touches a nerve from time to time because a lot of people shy away from exploring stuff that lies beneath the persona that the internet tries to encourage you to construct. I don’t know.
I agree with the idea about cynicism being poisonous. I also think pretentiousness is not a bad think necessarily because it can be a way of being curious and imaginative and thus it can help you get over the wall. But that’s a topic for another essay...
I'm currently dealing with my wall right now. As you said, everything depends on context, and my context is not the eastern kid who had no role models or resources to follow up their dreams, but rather the western kid having too many opportunities, too many possible-and-available "models" that I dont know how to choose one and commit to it.
The mind becomes so fuzzed up with all this time consuming "content" and not actually applying knowledge... that one starts to lose touch with its inner passions. Then I feel like what I am passionate about is fogged, I can not see it anymore, only sense it's lostlesness (I dont even know if this word exists, english is not my 1st language).
But not to be so miserable about it, as I read these weekly essays I feel damn lucky. Since I know that I definetly like your writing, Thomas, I can actually resonate with it and apply Thommy's principles: "have at least one full rest day a week", "take the direct path" and "it's okay to retreat to the cathcombs in order to reignate the best of your artistical senses". Anyway, please keep up with whatever you post here. Is a sort of "event" in my weekends and its now one of my tiny tools to trespass the wall in my 20yo-3rd-world-middle-class head
‘The Wall in the Head’ is a mentally reinforced barrier created by environmental signals. It often takes the form I laid out regarding too small expectations, but I see no reason in principle why it can’t go the other way and consist of being stifled by the paradox of choice and being hit with an over abundance of contradictory goals and advice and paths, no matter how well meaning.
Both versions can lead to confusion and paralysis, I should imagine.
And yes ‘Content’ is what adds to this confusion, enormously so. This is why, Even though it is directly against my own personal interests, the only consistent advice I give to people when they ask is to unplug from the hive mind and try and figure things out for yourself based on intuition and feeling rather than mere information.
But I can see that you are a long time reader and you ‘get it’. Thanks a lot for the great comment as always Mauro, it’s very much appreciated my friend.
Thanks Hayden. I really appreciate you saying that. It is doing fairly poorly numbers-wise, which is further evidence that the numbers don’t matter. Because I feel strongly about this one too.
I think a big part of the problem is that it is ostensibly talking about class. But the internet, you see, is American, a place where class differences miraculously don’t exist as everyone is one hustle away from being a millionaire.
And so my audience is English grumblers, Eastern European emigres and East coast Americans who have enough fatalistic peasant ancestry to get what I’m talking about here.
And sadly none of those demographics are very demonstrative when it comes to leaving comments and such, largely because they have too much sense.
This is the situation I find myself in. It’s a hard life.
Thanks Adam, that means a lot. Also gratifying that you got what I was saying in terms of the Estate of a Mind, so to speak, although I guess it manifests somewhat differently depending on temperament.
And yes, I think context is everything, but I won’t elaborate further as I am veering dangerously close to Gary Vee territory.
The level of self-knowledge, awareness and probably most importantly honesty required to write a post like this is huge.
“The self-talk is all of a piece: ‘this is just the way things are’ ‘it probably wouldn’t work anyway’, ‘you have to be realistic’”
I myself came from an upper-middle class background, with two encouraging parents, and yet still internalised all of the above early on, through school, bad teachers, and any other number of things.
I genuinely only feel I’ve overcome it in the last year or two - but it’s still there, only I know how to deal with it now.
I liken it to running - when I ran a marathon recently, before I was fully prepared, the last 13k was hell on Earth. A raging argument between myself and the voice in my head telling me to just pack it in, “no one will care”, “there’s still so far to go” etc.
Somewhat like a mild form of psychosis for an hour or so. You get real familiar with that voice.
But I held onto the feeling - because every time I do something challenging/physically exhausting, I can’t help but think back to that last 13k, and realise that ‘voice’ doesn’t mean a shagging thing.
“This fear of aiming for something because failing at it could be embarrassing is the cement that holds the bricks together.”
Brilliant. Your ability to turn a phrase never ceases to make me smile.
“One child is schooled in excellence. The other is not. One child has social capital while the other does not. One child knows that she can be whatever she wants to be providing she has the requisite talent and willingness to work.”
Something the affluent “Abundance mentality bro” chaps will never understand. Confidence is all they know, and they subsequently attribute the result of a good environment to natural talent.
“Beauty is a tool, which is why I talk about aesthetics so much. Literature is a tool, which is why I talk about the importance of reading great novels rather than just low bandwidth non-fiction so much. (Self improvement books at best show you a person standing in the rubble of a destroyed wall, great fiction shows you truthful and resonant depictions of a character struggling to break down the wall, and not always successfully).”
Interesting link back to the Wall in the Head - I hadn’t connected the two before, but it does make perfect sense. Will be thinking on this a lot more I’m sure.
Excellent post Tom, from the heart this one I’m sure.
Best,
Conor
Thanks for the kind words, Conor. I was hoping that this wouldn’t just resonate with people who have very similar backgrounds to my own so it was nice to have this affirmed.
I think if you go deep on the particular it can have universal application, because it gets at something in the human condition, but that the other way around doesn’t work. Again, another reason why fiction (which deals in the former) is superior to non-fiction (which of cause is all supposed ‘universals truths’).
But then again I’m biased of course.
This is beautiful! And it's definitely gonna be one of my favourites of yours.
I love how you used the Berlin Wall as a symbol here. It is very symbolic for the 20th century in general but it was a pure pleasure seeing it in the new context. Also for some reason, I thought about Pink Floyd when I read the title for the first time :D
I see many parallels with my own life and with other things in art, storytelling, philosophy, etc. The beauty of this essay is it can be read in multiple ways and every reader can draw their own meanings because everyone has their own walls. Retrospectively, I can see many walls existed in my head but it's hard to identify what still exists or what's new. Some of them I'm aware of and, as you said, once you understand them they become a mere obstacle. I believe it's very true.
I lived in the village most of my life, obviously not knowing about the opportunities I can have. So I agree that literature, art in general (and the internet, for discovery) might help (and definitely helped me) to break, dig under or jump over the walls. If you're curious enough, you can peek and see what's behind the wall. So I believe the main things that can help to come over that obstacle is open-mindedness, curiosity, tolerance to confirmation bias. If the one doesn't have those qualities, breaking the wall would be hard.
The important part of the essay, which I think I didn't pay enough attention to at the first reading is " Walls keep things out as well as in.". What if the wall protects you from monsters? I bet everyone has walls like this, sometimes self-built, often built externally. Maybe we also build walls like when we try to unlearn something.
Another thing is escapism. Do you think the wall in the head has anything to do with it? I don't mean "bad" escapism here (if there is anything like that at all). I mean the urge to get out of the chamber in a positive way. For example, If you are surrounded by the misery that you desire to escape, one of the ways to get out of it can be art, as you mentioned. And your essay 'Beauty In A World Of Brutalism' might be related to it.
Also, I think the walls can lead to cynicism in life. If you're locked in your chamber with labels attached to you, labels you cannot change freely, you become cynical towards new things, maybe even nihilistic, up to at what point when pessimism becomes desolation. You don't believe in new ideas, you don't believe in yourself, you don't believe that others can reach that and you project all of it on your own life and the life of others. Instead of the excitement of the bright future ahead, you end up being a grumpy guy who thinks nothing is possible and endurance is the only way (very Russian mindset by the way). I read in some of Julian Barnes's novels, that young people shouldn't be ironic and cynical about life. It poisons them. It prevents growth and suppresses imagination and curiosity. One should start life in a cheerful state of mind and be optimistic about it. First, you should see enough of it, then you can develop a natural sense of irony with a splash of cynicism towards the world.
The very first essay I was going to publish was called 'Weighing Anchor'. I wanted to write about how I "broke through the wall" with writing. I couldn't finish the draft because I couldn't see the problem clearly. But this essay and the wall metaphor made it all clear for me. As with many of your essays, this one help to break another wall, so maybe I will finish it one day.
And I shall say I enjoy writing comments to your essays as much as reading them. I'm glad it has become my weekly practice.
So, thank you,
Beams of appreciation,
John
Thanks for this John. I enjoy reading the comments immensely, as people seem to open up and be sincere in them, for whatever reason. Maybe the subject matter touches a nerve from time to time because a lot of people shy away from exploring stuff that lies beneath the persona that the internet tries to encourage you to construct. I don’t know.
I agree with the idea about cynicism being poisonous. I also think pretentiousness is not a bad think necessarily because it can be a way of being curious and imaginative and thus it can help you get over the wall. But that’s a topic for another essay...
mauro andrade1 hr ago
I'm currently dealing with my wall right now. As you said, everything depends on context, and my context is not the eastern kid who had no role models or resources to follow up their dreams, but rather the western kid having too many opportunities, too many possible-and-available "models" that I dont know how to choose one and commit to it.
The mind becomes so fuzzed up with all this time consuming "content" and not actually applying knowledge... that one starts to lose touch with its inner passions. Then I feel like what I am passionate about is fogged, I can not see it anymore, only sense it's lostlesness (I dont even know if this word exists, english is not my 1st language).
But not to be so miserable about it, as I read these weekly essays I feel damn lucky. Since I know that I definetly like your writing, Thomas, I can actually resonate with it and apply Thommy's principles: "have at least one full rest day a week", "take the direct path" and "it's okay to retreat to the cathcombs in order to reignate the best of your artistical senses". Anyway, please keep up with whatever you post here. Is a sort of "event" in my weekends and its now one of my tiny tools to trespass the wall in my 20yo-3rd-world-middle-class head
‘The Wall in the Head’ is a mentally reinforced barrier created by environmental signals. It often takes the form I laid out regarding too small expectations, but I see no reason in principle why it can’t go the other way and consist of being stifled by the paradox of choice and being hit with an over abundance of contradictory goals and advice and paths, no matter how well meaning.
Both versions can lead to confusion and paralysis, I should imagine.
And yes ‘Content’ is what adds to this confusion, enormously so. This is why, Even though it is directly against my own personal interests, the only consistent advice I give to people when they ask is to unplug from the hive mind and try and figure things out for yourself based on intuition and feeling rather than mere information.
But I can see that you are a long time reader and you ‘get it’. Thanks a lot for the great comment as always Mauro, it’s very much appreciated my friend.
Cheers.
Tom.
Phenomenal. I teared up reading this. Perhaps the best essay I’ve read from you yet Tom.
Thanks Hayden. I really appreciate you saying that. It is doing fairly poorly numbers-wise, which is further evidence that the numbers don’t matter. Because I feel strongly about this one too.
Cheers.
Tom.
The numbers won't be high because it has subtlety and nuance and it's talking about a difficult subject. Maybe I'll write about that.
It's still good though, and nice to see you talking about a vaguely important thing.
I think a big part of the problem is that it is ostensibly talking about class. But the internet, you see, is American, a place where class differences miraculously don’t exist as everyone is one hustle away from being a millionaire.
And so my audience is English grumblers, Eastern European emigres and East coast Americans who have enough fatalistic peasant ancestry to get what I’m talking about here.
And sadly none of those demographics are very demonstrative when it comes to leaving comments and such, largely because they have too much sense.
This is the situation I find myself in. It’s a hard life.
You’re invited to the dinner table to do your best magic trick, but you’re never invited to sit down.
Oof. That’s a good way of putting it.
It’s up there w/ your Soaring Twenties essay.
Maybe people will catch up in time, maybe not. Either way I can’t stop now, and I won’t
Thanks Adam, that means a lot. Also gratifying that you got what I was saying in terms of the Estate of a Mind, so to speak, although I guess it manifests somewhat differently depending on temperament.
And yes, I think context is everything, but I won’t elaborate further as I am veering dangerously close to Gary Vee territory.